Silencing the Shoulds

seriously learning to have fun

My mom is visiting this week! It has been a year since we’ve been able to hang out and we are sharing moments of joy amidst the busy chauffeuring of my kids to swimming practices, volleyball, lifeguard training, etc. A walk in the botanical gardens here, an ice cream run there can really make a hectic schedule rather fun. I’m doing these things because she is here, and she is special, and I want to make memories with her. All good reasons. But what are my reasons for not interposing my normal frenetic schedule with these delights at other times?

Rest is vital. I wrote earlier about how essential sleep and recovery are for stress relief. However, naps are not the only form of rest. Fun is too.

Fun. Fun! Fun?

I am striving to rest a little harder in this area. I hear there are all kinds of scientific proofs that plain good fun is beneficial for your health and brings balance back to the body. I cheer it on: Wonderful! Hurrah! Amen. Just one question… how do I find fun?

Late in February, our homeschool group had to dismiss halfway through the day because of tornado warnings. After a long week of studying hard, I said to myself,

“I’m going home and I’m just going to do something because it makes me happy for the rest of the afternoon.”

Sounded simple and reasonable. I was determined not to be bossed around by any Shoulds pointing their boney fingers into corners of my brain.

By the way, have you met the Gang of Shoulds? They are very bossy imps. One is named Laundry, another Clean the closet, and my favorite, Your email is backed up. The mafia boss is a sly and near silent female don called Attitude. She really runs the whole operation. Any time she is around, I don’t even need a particular job demanding to be accomplished. She just exudes the “shouldness” of life (and death). With heavy breath down my neck she ruins a perfectly lovely day. She broods. Sulks. Taps her foot against the inside of my head. Finally, she whispers, “What should you be doing?” A tyrant.

The Shoulds followed me home that afternoon of tornadic threats. I came home and announced as though I was free of the gang, “I SHOULD do something just for fun!” It took three hours. Three ridiculous hours of paralyzing determination. I refused to do any chores, any duty, any activity for anyone else. My head pulsed, “I SHOULD be able to do something just because it makes me happy!”  

Finally, into my gloomy bedroom of boredom bounded my beautiful fifteen-year-old daughter, Allegra, to the rescue. Her name literally means fast and happy. Her middle name is Joy. What a gift! She plopped down on my bed and asked me what I was going to do for fun. How easy she made it sound. “I don’t know!” I exclaimed in complete frustration.

She got to thinking.

“Yoga? I could do yoga with you!”

No.

“A walk? I think It stopped raining.”

Nah.

“Did you see the daffodils blooming? They are so pretty!”

Daffodils? YES!

She nailed it.

Nothing makes me happier than the first fresh flower of spring, Narcissus. I recalled Wordsworth, his words ringing in my ears:

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

 I grabbed the kitchen shears and walked like a heathen headed to a patch of yellow maidens beneath a few of our own budding trees. They seemed to greet me and laugh at the idea of being brought in from the rain as I quickly trimmed off stalk after stalk, carrying them in like sunshine breaking through the somber skies. Allegra and I arranged them in two vases, pulled out our gouache paints, and indulged in capturing the fleeting beauty for several hours while listening to the soulful Johnny Swim and ignoring dinner time.  

How lucky I was that day to have a daughter who brainstorms options until striking gold petals from a rainy day. And today many months later, how lucky I am to have my mom visiting, bringing me into days of fun too.

Can I learn from them? Can I stretch myself to find fun regularly? Can I open my duty-bound eyes large enough to let the light of simple happiness shine in with a frequent welcome?

I love making others happy, encouraging spirits, feeding souls with truth, and spreading beauty wherever possible. And it is true that this requires hard work many hours of my life which I am inspired to dedicate as a teacher, mom, friend, and wife. But I don’t think I’ve believed fully that it is also true that just one laughter-filled hour can accomplish all this more effectively than the entire Gang of Shoulds could ‘help’ me do in a year.

So. I’m going to start trusting that finding delightful moments is worth silencing that mob for some carefree moments each day. It’s worth it to my family and worth it to my friends. Heck, it is just plain worth it to me.

Allegra says, “Let’s gather flowers in the rain.”

Mom says, “We could stop for ice cream on the way home from swim practice.”

I say, “YES!”