When was the last time you played tug of war? I must admit, I’ve avoided this particular game most of my life and haven’t played it since childhood. Upper body strength has never been my forte, and if I choose to remember, I can still feel the rope burning my hands, the slippery mud under my feet and the bruised flesh after falling on my face or rump by the end of the game. There is no winner, really!
One of my favorite podcasters, Heidi White, often speaks about a metaphorical tug of war in the idea of duty and delight. She frequently claims on the book-lover’s podcast, Close Reads, that most great stories wrestle this rope in the central character or between characters that are driven by one extreme or the other. Additionally, she proposes that the walk of a Christ-centered life is balanced between the two: Duty and delight. We are usually blindly living out of one stance or fighting with the other. Which team of this tug of war do you find yourself on?
If you have read my other Substack posts, you can probably guess mine is the side where Duty is team captain. The common ruts I often find myself splayed out in because I was chosen for his team, include being bullied by the Gang of Shoulds (see post, Silencing the Shoulds ), wrestling with a nagging feeling of guilt if I’m not actively accomplishing an altruistic goal, and frustration or jealousy when seeing other people (ahem, hubby and kids) freely enjoying chilling out on the couch while all around them the house is messy.
Hello! How can you relax when there are literally a hundred chores to be done?
If you live in the church world, you might recognize this as the Mary/Martha syndrome. Martha is doing all the work and Mary is sitting at Jesus’ feet just enjoying in his presence. I usually side with Martha. But irritatingly, Jesus’ famous response doesn’t agree:
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered,“You are worried and upset about many things. But few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41,42 (NIV)
Throughout my life, through a duty-driven lens, I have interpreted this passage as teaching, You shouldn’t think you’ll please God by all your good deeds, but should realize that listening to Jesus is the priority. So, dutifully, I incorporated plenty of sitting and listening into my routine. And it is amazing! Because it is absolutely true that one of our main duties in life is to LISTEN to Jesus’ teaching, and delicious fruit develops when we hear what He has to say before all the other voices in life chime in. However, though my gut interpretation of the story isn’t incorrect, it only grazes the surface. What I mean is, if the lesson I get out of the story is still driven only by “shoulds,” I’ve missed Mary’s example. Mary wasn’t sitting at Jesus feet because she knew it was “right,” she was there because she was delighting in Jesus’ warm words and holy presence.
NOTE: About now, if you are delight driven you may be smiling and nodding, if you are a duty-driven person, you may have a rising angst in your chest that wants to yell,
“If I let delight drive me, I’ll live selfishly and abandon those who need me because it isn’t always fun to do laundry or go to my job or serve in the community. Being delight-driven would make me self-centered, and I’d become just like the God-hating, hedonistic world all around me!”
Ahem, that might not be the voice in your head, but it is often the voice in mine (scary and self-righteous, I know, yikes) but I have a few helpful pushbacks.
First, if we were living out our humanity, whole and uncorrupted, away from a world where our appetites from our mother’s womb are formed to crave the unhealthiest of food, self-harming addictions, and perversions of sexuality (to name a few), our duty would be our greatest delight.
Because here’s the deal: the life of faith is not one or the other. It is both duty and delight. It is a reconciliation of the two. If we are duty driven right out of delight, we are not in the center of God’s will. If we are delight driven right out of our duty, we are shortchanging the Imago Dei within. As always, to find the Way that is good, we can look to Christ, right?
Here are a few quotes from the highlight reel:
“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
(Sounds like he was duty driven to me!)
“However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” (Luke 10:20)
(Delight-driven?)
“If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” (Matthew 19:21)
(This is getting complicated.)
And the hum-dinger:
“For the joy set before him he endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2)
(Definitely delight driven, no wait, definitely duty, well… um… )
Which is it? How did Jesus find his motivation and decide what the best actions were each day? I mean, he is even on record for excusing King David for going directly against Levitical law to eat bread that was only for priests, but He also said he did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. Which is it?
The fact is, Jesus wasn’t driven by either duty or delight, and neither should we. Freedom in Christ means we don’t have to be driven by any motivation other than love. Christ reconciles us with God in our original design to know and enjoy Him forever. Which leads me back to my foundational inspiration:
One thing I ask from the Lord,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the Lord
and to seek him in his temple.
Like Mary, Seek. Dwell. Gaze.
Why?
Because it is my duty? No.
Because it is my delight? No.
Because He is God. Yes.
When I sit at His feet, laying down the idol of duty and laying down the idol of delight, choosing to listen and believe He is speaking truth about the Love of the Father, I am filled with equal measure of duty and delight because I hear and come to understand how great his love is toward me, and I’m inspired to share His love with others. There is no war left.
The only time we find ourselves with rope-burned hands in this life Jesus offered, is when we stubbornly fix our stance in duty or delight. The first will dry us to the bone, the second will bloat our body, mind, and spirit. Conversely, faith, hope and love bring the two together and lead us out.
Moving forward, I must recognize when Duty has taken over the driver’s seat because he has only ever been meant to be a passenger in the back, sitting close to Delight and hopefully getting along. They are both virtues of the Godly, not gods of the virtuous. Holy Spirit gets the wheel because he knows the way of Love, but He and I are on this road trip together. And you know, this arrangement leads to infinitely more beautiful destinations than playing tug-of-war in a ditch.
Post Script:
Thanks for reading! I would love to know your thoughts on the struggle between duty and delight, how you handle your natural side of the tug of war, or your experience on the road of faith.
If you enjoyed these thoughts and want to journey with me on the pilgrimage, Subscribing is free. Thanks!
Hannah, this is such a timely, and well-written read. I do find myself in this tug of war, and I have found the only way I can rest physically and mentally amidst chaos - is at His feet, in His presence - and leaving it with the strength for duty, and discernment for delight. This blessed me, thank you!